Just life · Seeing the spiritual

Tired

I know someone who is tired.

She’s tired of her clothes.
She’s tired of her style.
She’s tired of her attitude.
She’s tired of her habits.
She’s tired of her humor.
She’s tired of her lack of discipline.
She’s tired of her personality.
She’s tired of her abilities.
She’s tired of her stuff.

Ok…it’s me.
I’m tired of me.

Have you ever felt that way? You just look in the mirror and you’re like, “I’m so over you.” You get dressed on Sunday morning to go to church, or on Monday morning to go to work, or whatever, and you’re like, “Haven’t you worn this 3 times this year already…and it’s only January 15?” You look at the stuff you haven’t done, and you think, “I would have so kicked you out of this house by now if I weren’t you.” You sit down to do whatever hobby it is that you find yourself doing, and you’re just like, “Is there no new world you can conquer??”

I get that way sometimes.

And I wonder if David gets tired of me.
I wonder if my friends get tired of me.
I wonder if my family is just done.

And, then in my weakest, most serious moments, I wonder if God is just over it. I wonder if He is like, “LeeAnn, not again! Haven’t you learned anything? Haven’t you realized that there is more to this life than what you’re giving it? Haven’t you learned that it’s not all about you? Do you not get that there are other people in this world who need some of you and you’re not giving it?”

Yeah, that’s where I find myself sometimes. Why do we get this way?
Wait…maybe you don’t get that way. Why do I get that way?

I really have no idea…except I’ve lived with myself for many years now and I’m just tired of me. I’m thankful that my husband tells me that he’s not tired of me…that I keep him guessing and I keep him laughing and I constantly surprise him with whatever. But, he doesn’t live in my skin. He doesn’t have to put makeup on this face every day and fix this hair and clothe this body and figure me out.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate myself. I kinda like myself or I wouldn’t worry about improving anything in my life. I just get a little tired of seeing and being myself every day.

How can I keep from getting so tired of my own self that I actually continue to be a blessing to this world…to those around me…without really thinking about myself at all?

That’s EXACTLY how…I need to stop thinking about myself so much. I’m not a selfish person…I’m not even a self-centered person…but I do think about myself and my stuff far more than I probably should.

C.S. Lewis said, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

Humility. That’s really the key, is it not? To constantly be thinking of others? To continually be thinking of ways I can give to others and pour into others’ lives? That way, when the end of the day comes, I can know that I’ve been like Jesus. That’s it, really.

And in the mornings, when I look at this same basic face I’ve seen for 55 years, I can say, “You, face, are going to bless someone today because today is NOT about you. It’s about someone else. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself so you can have many years to serve God and others. But don’t spend so much time thinking about who you are or what you look like or if your eye shadow is on fleek or if your socks match your shirt…just get your rear end out there and serve others…in any and every way you can find.”

So, if you’re questioning why you’re even still around and why you are so concerned with things that really don’t matter in the end, I hope this is of some comfort to you.

You are still breathing this air into your lungs because God still has a plan for you. And it’s not to wonder if you’re worth anything…because YOU ARE! Find someone who needs something and meet that need. Simple as that. It doesn’t have to cost any money…it may cost a little bit of time. After all…what else are you going to spend your time doing?

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